Soul Surgery. It's time to heal you. Turning Pain Into Purpose with Nikki Allen

Rita Mercer Author

Why do women stay? Explore trauma bonds, emotional manipulation, and the charm–harm cycle—and how healing begins.

Featuring Nikki Allen, Award-Winning Author & Creative Visionary

We've all been there...felt the Heartbreak. Betrayal. Identity loss. 

These are words many women know all too well — not just intellectually, but at the level of the soul. In this deeply moving episode of The Daring Well Podcast, we get the privilege of hearing a powerful testimony from Nikki Allen — award-winning author, filmmaker, R&B singer, and spiritual disruptor — who has turned her pain into art, purpose, and radical self-love.

Her raw honesty brings us into the reality of what it means to stay too long, to feel silenced, to shrink ourselves — and ultimately — to choose healing and freedom. Through writing, storytelling, and an inner process she calls “soul surgery,” Nikki shows us that we don’t just reclaim who we once were — we meet the version of ourselves we’ve always deserved to be.

This blog post explores the major insights from our conversation — highlighting how trauma impacts identity, how healing actually begins, and the courageous steps it takes to choose yourself first — in love, in relationships, and in life.

From Heartbreak to Healing: Where Her Story Began

Nikki shares that her book, Loved You, Hated You, started as a song — written after surviving an abusive relationship. She didn’t write while she was in the pain — she wrote after she got through it, with clarity, reflection, and courage. Many women ask: Why did she stay? Why didn’t she just leave? Nikki shows us that trauma entangles us in emotional and neurological patterns that make it difficult to walk away — even when we know we deserve better.

Her character Gabby, like so many of us, faces a choice:
Do I stay where it’s familiar — even though it hurts — or do I choose the unknown… and choose myself?

That question is the beginning of every healing journey.

🔥 The Importance of Understanding the Pattern

• Abuse isn't always loud — sometimes it comes disguised as charm, kindness, or apology.
• What Nikki calls “charm–harm–harm” is a cycle many women experience: affection, emotional manipulation, then pain.
• Abuse isn’t always physical — it shows up at work, in friendships, and in any place where someone feels pressured to shrink themselves.
• Until we heal what’s underneath — we repeat the cycle in different relationships, jobs, and environments.

💔 Why Women Stay

• Loss, loneliness, trauma, or identity confusion can create dependency on a person who becomes a placeholder for safety.
• When our voice is dismissed, we start to adapt ourselves to survive — instead of express.
• The familiar can feel safer than the unknown — even when it’s toxic.
• What we don’t heal becomes what we tolerate.

🪷 Soul Surgery: Healing Needs to Go Deeper

• Therapy, books, yoga, affirmations — these are tools, but not cures if the root isn’t addressed.
• The real healing begins when we ask: Where did I first learn that I wasn’t enough?
• Ages 0–5 are foundational. The words spoken over us become the beliefs we carry into adulthood.
• Healing requires looking back with honesty — not to stay in the pain, but to set yourself free.

💪 Reclaiming — or Meeting — Your Identity

Nikki says something profound: “I’m not reclaiming the old me. I’m meeting the true me… maybe for the very first time.”
This is powerful, because sometimes we don’t need to go back — we need to go forward.

Healing becomes an evolution, not a rewind. It’s a brave invitation to ask:

• What do I love?
• What makes me feel alive?
• What am I no longer willing to tolerate?
• Who am I — outside of roles, expectations, and survival mode?

Boundaries as Acts of Self-Love

Boundaries are not walls — they are gates. They don’t shut people out; they teach people how to step in. Nikki shared real-life examples of learning to say no without guilt, to quit people-pleasing, and to advocate for herself even when it feels uncomfortable.

She reminds us that most people aren’t used to boundaries — and some may push back. But that pushback often reveals who truly respects us and who was benefitting from our silence.

When you know your worth, silence is no longer an option.

The Healing Process — Explained Clearly

Many women begin healing but stop when it gets hard. Why? Because true healing is not always peaceful — it is often disruptive and uncomfortable. In the episode, Nikki explains that healing can feel worse before it feels better — because it requires:

• Revisiting difficult memories
• Releasing unhealthy patterns
• Letting people go
• Facing parts of ourselves we’ve ignored

But this is where transformation begins. Strength isn’t pretending we’re okay — it’s choosing to do the work anyway.

How to Begin Soul Surgery – Practical Steps

Here are simple entry points any woman can start today:

1. Start writing your truth. Ask yourself: Why do I feel this way? What hurts? What do I truly want?
2. Be radically honest — but compassionate. No judgment. No shame. Just truth.
3. Give yourself grace. Healing requires time—and tenderness.
4. Stay safe. If you are in a violent situation, seek help immediately. Safety is the first priority.

Choosing Yourself is Not Selfish — It’s Sacred

One of the most empowering messages of the episode is this: Choosing yourself doesn’t make you selfish. It makes you whole. You cannot pour from an empty cup, and you cannot love from an empty identity.

As Nikki says, when you finally protect your peace, you will lose some people — but you will find yourself. And eventually, you will begin to attract people who operate on your new frequency.

Why This Story Matters for Every Woman

This episode is about more than domestic abuse — it’s about identity, worthiness, and voice. It is for:

• The woman who gives to everyone else first
• The woman who over-explains her boundaries
• The woman who knows she’s settling — but doesn’t know what comes next
• The woman who wants to speak her truth — but fears being “too much”

This conversation reminds us that:
- Healing starts with awareness
- Transformation starts with choice
- Freedom starts with self-love

Your Story Has Power — Even If It Only Helps You Right Now

In the end, Nikki encourages us not to worry about saving the world — start by saving yourself. Your journal, your art, your voice — even if no one else sees it — may be the beginning of your breakthrough.

Maybe it becomes a song, a poem, a screenplay — or maybe it becomes the moment everything finally changes.

Resources for Safety & Support

If you or someone you know is in danger, these organizations provide confidential help and exit planning:

• Women Helping Women – National advocacy & crisis support
• YWCA – Free, 24/7 trained support teams and safe havens
• National Domestic Violence Hotline – 1-800-799-7233

A Final Word From Nikki

“Whatever happens, just keep going. Give yourself grace when it gets heavy. The familiar will try to pull you back — don’t let it. Your new life is waiting on the other side of courage.”

And that may be the heart of this entire episode:
Healing begins when we choose ourselves.
Transformation begins when we listen to our own voice.
And identity is found when we finally look inward — and meet the woman we were always meant to be.

Connect With Nikki Allen

Website : https://officialnikkiallen.com

Keywords

healing after abuse, finding your identity, women empowerment podcast, emotional healing journey, people pleasing recovery, Nikki Allen interview, soul surgery healing, reclaiming self-worth, boundaries and self-love, turning pain into purpose

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Categories: : Healing, Healthy Relationships, Self Discovery, Self Love, Self Worth, Soul, Toxic Relationship